A mother’s view: No, we’ll never “get over it”

Kimberly Kamara is the author of “Where’s My Daddy,” a children’s book aimed at kids who’ve lost a parent to murder. The book was inspired by her family’s continuing journey of grief after her son, Niam Johnson-Tate, lost his life to gun violence on July 5, 2017. Kimberly has two daughters and lives in Germantown with her husband.

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After my son was murdered, someone told me, “One day, you will get over it.” At first, I did not give the comment much thought. But as time passed, I heard similar words from others: “One day, you will get over your son’s death.” The more I reflected on those words, the more these thoughts came to mind:

1. None of the people saying this had ever experienced the pain of burying a child.
2. Some could not fully understand what it means to grieve as a parent because they had never had a child of their own.
3. Others offered phrases meant to comfort, such as, “God won’t put more on you than you can bear.”

If other grieving parents are anything like me, they smile softly when they hear these words, push them to the back of their minds, and walk away trying to hold themselves together while falling apart inside. If only those words were true. If only people understood that graceful phrases and well-meaning gestures are not always what we need. Sometimes, what we need most is for someone to simply hold us, sit with us, and allow us to lead the conversation in our own time so that we can begin grieving, process the thought of losing our beloved child, and begin making peace.

As a parent who has buried a child, I can say from experience that I have never met anyone who has truly gotten over the death of their child. Some may come to accept that their child is no longer here on Earth, but they find different ways to live with the pain of the loss. While some people turn to drugs or alcohol, others pour themselves into work, shopping, mentorship, or other outlets. How a person copes depends on the individual; what helps one person may not help another. It is not one-size-fits-all.

Although my son is no longer here on Earth, we will always think about him and celebrate him in our own way. One day, I want to talk about my son. Another day, my daughter may want to talk about her brother, and the next day, my mother may want to talk about her grandson.

At any given time, one of us may not feel ready to talk about him or hear his name, but when we do, we need others to listen to us and simply be there. Please stop saying, “I can’t imagine your pain,” because I would never want you to imagine the pain or go through the pain of losing your child.

Although we deeply miss our beloved Niam K. Tate-Johnson, each of us copes with his death in our own way. We share our memories, laugh, and cry with one another. We all understand that the process of grief affects each other differently. We do not rush one another or dismiss each other’s feelings; instead, we try to understand one another as we grieve and heal together.

The healing process is very important because it allows a person to continue moving forward and growing in life. When a person does not heal, they can become stagnant, which may cause them to stumble and fall. Stay away from negativity and focus on positivity. During the healing process, it is very important to be kind and forgiving to yourself. It is also important to have people around you to talk to, even if that person is a professional. During this time, you should speak positively to yourself and your family.

Never rush the grieving process; there is no expiration date on grief. Some people feel guilty during this process because they are in a vulnerable state. Grief can make a person emotional, and sometimes, when a person is in that state, others may try to take advantage of them. Please never allow anyone to tell you that enough is enough, that you should be done grieving by now, or to “let the dead bury the dead.” Grieve, baby, grieve until you are healed.

Lastly, it’s all right to cry! Yes, I said it. Allow the liquid sunshine to have its way with you. Those tears may hurt at first, but within some of those tears, you can and will find happiness.